Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
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