Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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