Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
