Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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