I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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