There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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