Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
