i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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