I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
