im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm getting married
To pizza
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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