I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
