I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
