Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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