I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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