the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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