wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
