I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I touched a dick in church today
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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