I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
