Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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