I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
