White coat. Heels.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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