I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
