I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
