Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
