plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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