If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
