I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
