peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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