she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
