Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
