I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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