I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
