Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
