If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I deserve this hangover.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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