I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
