I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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