Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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