You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
