Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.