sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?