alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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