I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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