i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
