we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
