I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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