she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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