those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
