I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
