I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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