I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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