god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
