He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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