He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
