Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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