come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
