In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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