Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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