The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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