Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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